Repeat performance anxiety: The Miley Cyrus story

You remember vividly how the 2009 MLS Season/Cup ended. The dramatic shootout. The final shot — Robbie Russell’s worm-burner just inside the left post. You remember the confetti. The cheering. You watched as the players rushed to Russell, creating a dog-pile. A trainer, sprinting, still carrying bags, fell flat on his face (watch the video again…why is he still carrying the gear?!).

You jumped on Twitter. Tweeted to your coworker about the win. You caught Andy Williams’ tweet that he was going to get messed up [PG13 version of what was really said]. Later he would also tweet (whilest messed up?) that finally he could “get fat”. We all hoped he could, get fat. He deserved it.

Fast forward to the future/present day. Its the year 2010. Obama is still president and Miley Cyrus is in trouble for singing about a booty call with 46 year old Bret Michaels.* The MLS season is three games underway when your egg-shaped time machine stops spinning. You exit, wondering aloud, “What are people wearing in the year 2010?” Nobody answers. You fear that your Marc by Marc Jacobs skinny jeans are out of style, and you quickly hide behind a dumpster. Peering out, you notice that there are many (too many people) dressed just like you. You breath a sigh of relief. The question that follows is, “How does my team [RSL] compare now to where they were last season?” The voice of Sid Storey calls down from heaven, informing you of the following:

“My boy, to date RSL has lost one match, has won one, and has tied one (1-1-1).” Sid continues, “If the 2010 season were to end spontaneously (just play along), they’d be 2nd in the West behind Los Angeles. By comparison, at the start of the 2009 season, RSL had lost one and won two.”^†

The voice of Sid Storey fades away…the clouds close. The Iron Lion Zion anthem gently streams out of earshot.

So, Real Salt Lake has four points…and…they had six points at this point in ‘09. Great. This is riveting. Now what?

The fact of the matter is, Sid wanted you to understand that the boys in claret red and cobalt blue (and a little bit of gold for pizazz) are doing just fine. They’re finding their grove without Yura, without Clint. Andy is quickly shedding the celebratory weight. Olave is brushing the rust off his patented slidetackle. The Costa Rican (his name is Alvaro)…he finished unpacking, and guess what, he’s pretty, dang good. Everything is going to be fine…better than fine.

As a sign to all this, Sid promises that Miley Cyrus’ career will move past her creepy, old guy love song scandal. She’ll date a Jonas Brother…Nick, or Joe, or Stanley (the ugly one they keep away from the media). They’ll break up soon thereafter, through a series of tweets.

*Bret Michaels defended his position stating that the song, Nothing to Lose, was written 2 years prior to the recording…when Miley was 16. Cool. Clears it up for me. “It’s blown out of proportion,” Bret said. “I just thought it was a beautiful song.”

^†(Their 2-0 loss was to Seattle, in Seattle, and the two wins were at home, first against Columbus (2-1) and then against DC United (2-1).)

Posted by Sean